And yet people continue to suck

I feel as though one day I’ll surely run out of bad things to say about people. Not yet, though.

1. Mostly all people are idiots. Note that I said mostly.

2. No one reads anymore. When I hand you a piece of paper and tell you to follow the directions, FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIRECTIONS ALREADY.

3. Don’t text while I’m talking to you. I used to think this was an understood common courtesy. Now I just think you’re idiots.

4. There’s some saying about failure to plan and emergencies and blah blah blah, but I think the bottom line of that is this: I didn’t wait until the last minute, you did. Case closed.

5. Get your kids under control, idiots. I don’t slobber on you, don’t let your kids slobber on me. It’s simple math, really. Also? Pens aren’t candy.

6. When I have a job to do, the chances of me wanting to hear your life story are oh, about slim to none. Keep it to yourself unless you like it when I roll my eyes at you. I don’t need to know how many siblings you have in rehab or that you had to take a year off because you got pregnant by accident and your car got stolen. Save it for Social Services, doll.

7. Freaking out because Democrats and Republicans just did a swap off is not interesting to anyone. Have you not lived in America for 45 years? Do you actually think it’s possible for something earth-shattering to happen before next week? Yes? You’re an idiot.

8. I love you all, really I do, but Facebook is not the place to tell me about your kids’ ass happenings. Poopy? Pee pee? Diapers? Potties? Shut the fuck up.

9. Your tattoos and piercings are not unique, I hate to break it to you. Everyone and their mother has a wrist one or a tramp stamp or an ankle thingy or an eyebrow ring or their ear cartilage mutilated. People don’t think you’re interesting. Sorry. I’ll tell you what IS interesting, though: your hair extensions. Those fascinate me.

10. If you are of sound mind and body, I’m not doing it for you, and I don’t care what “it” is. I’m not looking shit up on the computer for you, I’m not dropping this off or handing this to so and so, and I’m not just gonna call and see if he’s around today. NOPE. Find some other sucker.

Wow, y’all. I feel so much better now. Do idiots drive you crazy? Comment below. Seriously, feel free. And if I’ve offended you at all with this list, well…too fucking bad.

Healthy

My bracelet jingle-jangles and it’s a very familiar sound. I am sitting up in bed, under a satiny-edged blanket and there is a cat draped over my legs. I read blogs about people with mental health struggles and it makes me cry. I listen to the sound of someone snoring in the other room. There is a fan churning silently over my head. The window is open, letting cool fall air in, and I hear the neighbor’s car door close.

I am who I am which is not the same person I was last year. I have a new friend who doesn’t know anything about me. I really like it that way. I still hide from things, am still frightened by responsibility and I leave unopened mail on the kitchen table and blinking messages on the answering machine.

Faithfully I take my medicine each day. My doctor tells me that missing even a day or two of my Lamictal is a serious detriment to my health. I sign up for the flex spending plan and dutifully hit the drug store drive-through every 30 days. I watch people watch me as I open my purse and pop pills in the morning. I try not to notice as they squint to the read the labels on the bottles, but I make sure I strategically hold them so no one sees. The inside is hiding while the outside is bursting with energy and smiles.

I spend time thinking about mundane things like getting my car inspected, wondering if the milk has gone bad, hoping that Brian remembered to check the mail. I flip through the DVR list, half-way watching Jersey Shore and What Not to Wear and wondering where my interest has gone. In the back of my mind I tell myself that it’s better to feel healthy and detached than it is to face the things I do not want to face.

Plane tickets are shockingly easy to pay for. One day I find myself in the Park and Ride lot at the airport, waiting for the shuttle with my small suitcase, wondering when I will panic and panicking because I don’t. I visit my friend, I am ecstatic to be on this trip, I am still feeling detached but good. Where is the middle?, I still wonder.

Drowning in work is the answer to everything. 12-hour days turn into even longer days and I love every second, though I still complain about it. My eyes and face are tired. I let the cosmetology student cut bad bangs and marvel that no one tells me how ugly they are. Every day I look my friend in the eye and lie about my life. Also every day, I lie to myself.

There are decisions to be made, which means there are still decisions to ignore. Still, dutifully, I take my medicine. I read the blogs and wonder why everyone has ups and downs, when I don’t feel a thing. I want to cry, I really do, but instead I am apathetic and cold. I rely on my friends and lean on them heavily, then back off before I know what I’ve done.

Ever year, just like clockwork, there are funerals. To me it seems as though there are more and more. Probably there aren’t; probably I just know more dead people and read the obits more often. I listen to tales of heart attacks and strokes and cancer, and miraculously I don’t stop to check if there’s pain in my left arm. My pulse doesn’t quicken and my chest doesn’t tighten. I feel strange and uncaring.

I am inconsistent with my writing. The friends – online and off – who have been so good to me are drifting slowly away, realizing that I am not who they thought I was. Again, I try to care but can’t. People end phone calls with “I love you” and I pretend not to hear, hanging up in a hurry. Suddenly I am germaphobic, desperate not to fall ill this year and miss a day of work. I spray disinfectant every time someone leaves my office and I am careful to open doors with my sleeve.

I have accomplished so much, people say. Last year, under this much stress, I would have collapsed in a heap. Look at you now! they say. I am looking at me. I don’t know what I see. I want to create but I feel stunted. I want to be enthralled and fascinated, but I am disinterested and dead on the inside.

This is what healthy looks like.

No one told me that you can’t actually feel healthy. It is not palpable or noticeable to the healthy one. Instead it is something elusive, slippery, hard to catch. And if it could be caught, it would be thrashed and beaten, if only to incite some kind of emotion.

Under the silently churning fan, edges of paper bags ruffle. They sit atop piles of clothes in laundry baskets, strings of dust hanging from the corners of bedposts, empty cups and discarded belts littering the space HGTV calls a “sanctuary.” Other rooms are no better, collecting piles of paper and throw blankets, junk mail and makeup brushes, dryer sheets stuck to tossed-off shoes. There is tarnished silver in the china cabinet, there are lamps with no lightbulbs and I can’t shake the idea that my house is one pile shy of a hoarder’s.

Tomorrow I will take my medicine, like the good little patient I am. I could go to the grocery store, fight the pre-holiday crowds at the mall or take a 6-hour road trip alone. I could climb a mountain and solve discrete mathematical equations, if only I knew what they were. I could knit a blanket or plant pansies or bake pies or write thank-you notes, but I won’t.

This? This is healthy.

They could be drag queens for all I know.

So lemme run this down for you, real list-like. The last few days since I got home from New Orleans have sucked in a special way, and because I was all Pollyanna this weekend with my “Hey! Let’s help people!” rant, I feel entitled to bitch now.

1. I have something. It’s some kind of snotty, nasty, energy-sucking thing that’s also causing panic attacks. I wish I were kidding.

2. I have to teach a class at 5:00 today. It’s technically the 3rd week of class but I’ve only laid eyes on these people once, and I swear to you, for all I know they are Joan Rivers look-a-likes. Yes, people. I am THAT good at education.

3. I have fallen out of favor with the socialites, and I wish I could say that I didn’t care, but I also wish I could say that I did. In reality, most of my frenemies need AA. Just a little message. (Did you like my Danielle Staub reference there? What? You don’t know who she is? Get thee to a television NOW.)

4. My hair is dirty and it’s possible that I also smell, showers notwithstanding. I think when you’re sick AND you’re in a bad mood, stink just seeps out of your pores.

5. I just lost 5 readers and 1 Twitter follower for that graphic and vaguely disgusting imagery.

6. The heat, y’all. The goddamned heat. If Hurricane Earl comes this way, and it’s kind of looking like it, there better be rain and at least 5-degree cooler temperatures. OR ELSE I’M MOVING TO MAINE. Consider yourself warned, Maine.

7. On a good note, the friends loyal and true to me are ones who warm the cockles of my heart. I have this one lovely friend who flew to NC this weekend just so she could host some friends for dinner at her mother’s house. She had me print up menu cards and she cooked a three-course meal, in the grand tradition of Southern hostesses. I swear, Yankees, I’m just not sure you know what you’re missing.

8. Hey, did you watch the Emmys? The dresses were ridiculously ridiculous this year. Actually I’m just talking about January Jones. The rest of them were kind of boring. Woo, but do you know who’s NOT boring? Tom and Lorenzo. The love I have for those boys is just ginormous and I think I need to up the gay quotient in my life. I really think that’s what might be missing, y’all.

January Jones, looking ridiculous at the 2010 Emmys in Atelier Versace.

9. I’m all done with the listing for today, mostly because the Diet Coke has kicked in and I’m a twirling, nervous wreck. What is it about illness that brings on the panic attacks? I’ll never know.

Have a great Tuesday, dolls. In the words of the ever-profound New Jersey housewives, I am not garbage.

Five years later

I saw a face on television today that told a story. The face belonged to a woman named Kimberly, who stayed in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward during Hurricane Katrina five years ago this weekend. She and her husband didn’t have a car and stayed behind with their families to ride out the storm, climbing to their attic as the flood waters rose and combing the city for days to find shelter and food. Two days before Katrina hit, Kimberly grabbed her camcorder and shot amateur video of her ordeal, catching the eye of a National Geographic producer who hired a film crew to follow her for months afterward. Kimberly is from an impoverished neighborhood, born to a drug-addicted “rockhead” mother and married to a former drug dealer and gang member. She is an aspiring rap artist and though she vowed never to return to the Ninth Ward in the days following the storm, she lives there now with the few of her neighbors that returned.

I saw a face in PEOPLE magazine last week that also told a story. This face is one I know well, and belongs to a woman who has been my friend for almost 15 years. She is a mother, a wife and a lawyer. Before Katrina she had no real ties to New Orleans. After Katrina, she committed her life’s work to representing the underrepresented and in doing so she met her husband, adopted the Crescent City as her home and married there under the lights of the French Quarter. I was there to see her and her fair city three years after the hurricane. I visited Lakefront, a community flooded by the breached levees. I took photographs of water lines above overpasses and houses that probably still haven’t been rebuilt. My friend had her daughter in Louisiana and, with her family, lives near a military base there.

I saw a face sitting next to me in a taxi last week, and this face told a story I’d never heard. As he drove me up Canal Street, from the French Quarter and around to Jackson Square, I listened to his Louisiana accent and saw the lines on his face. I never learned his name, but this man – in his late 60s – was born and raised in New Orleans. He remembered Hurricane Betsy and so he evacuated the day before the storm, per the orders given by the city and state. He left with his family and returned not long after Katrina, coming home only to a little wind damage, but luckily no flood waters. He couldn’t understand why so many people stayed, and further, he couldn’t fathom the “lack of self control” his fellow New Orleans residents exhibited in the days after. This man was ashamed of the fighting, the looting, the reaction of his people, but he never said a word about the action – or lack thereof – of the government. He was proud to be back in his city driving tourists around to see the sights that are still standing, that seemed never to be touched.

When I was in New Orleans last week, I watched the local news in the morning and again at night. There were stories after stories after stories featured on each channel about rebuilding. There were families with new Habitat homes. There were children preparing for a new school year in new schools. There were local politicians cutting ribbons on new businesses in different neighborhoods. There were very few pictures of flood waters, and even fewer pictures of the Superdome and the Convention Center.

My friends and I did the usual touristy stuff. We walked to the French Quarter and ate dinner. We rode the street car up St. Charles, saw Loyola and Tulane, and pointed out The Real World house. We lost money at Harrah’s, took pictures of the Mississippi from the Riverwalk and ate beignets under the shade at Café du Monde. We bought pralines and jewelry, took pictures of the mimes and the jazz musicians and brought home t-shirts to children. I met a friend for drinks in an up-and-coming section of town, and marveled at her historic Garden District home. All of us spent money. We met natives and transplants, asking them questions along the way. Some of them were tired of the questions – the same ones – about Katrina and whether or not they stayed. Had their houses suffered damage? Did they live in the Ninth Ward? Did they know anyone who did? Or who had died? Some of them wanted to talk, and some of them just wanted to show off their town.

I have watched the documentaries, listened to the stories, seen my dear friend fight for the rights of the underprivileged and I am still shocked that a natural disaster could tear our country apart and expose it for what it really is. Five years later, 25 years later, doesn’t matter. I live in a small Southern town, I know what goes on here. You know it, too. As a really ignorant woman once said to me, there are the haves and the have-nots. She was a have, she told me. But she did pity those poor other people. Most of them.

It’s hard to say why, in the last ten years, these horrific things keep happening to us. Yes, to us, I believe. In the South, there are evangelical Christians who are recruiting young people in droves to their mega-churches with coffee shops and rock bands. It gives them comfort to know that their religion and faith in their God will carry them through whatever else is coming. Some people my age, myself included, find themselves past the quarter-life crisis and in the middle of their anxiety-fueled 30s, ever upwardly mobile. We compare ourselves to each other, watching as our neighbors’ houses get bigger, our friends’ cars get more expensive and our own credit card debt gets higher.

Somewhere along the way we have continued to miss the big picture. It isn’t necessarily about the power of religious belief. It definitely isn’t about our own small corners of our own small worlds. It’s about the faces we see every day, that could tell us a story if we listened. How very many of us have forgotten about Katrina victims until we were reminded on television? How many of us take our girls’ weekends to the beach and whine to our friends that our kitchen counters need replacing and that our waists just aren’t as small as they used to be?

I do it and you do it. We forget to look at the lines on the faces of our fellow human beings and think about how those lines got there. From laughing? From crying? From worrying? From mourning? From rejoicing? We don’t stop to think that there is a bigger world outside of our own, and that bigger world has a much bigger story to tell.

My own story is small and forgettable, because I am only one of millions who have traveled to Louisiana in the last five years. I am one of an unfortunately large group of people who didn’t travel to New Orleans to help. I went on business, spent some money and patted myself on the shoulder for shopping because I thought it would help the economy. Perhaps it did. But probably it didn’t, because probably my money would have been much better spent buying a hammer and some nails and helping someone rebuild…something. Anything.

No one likes to be preached to, least of all me. But I found myself in the middle of one of the most open wounds in our country, in the middle of the anniversary of its injury, and I couldn’t come home and blog about the wonderful restaurants I tried or the funny stories of the shit that happened while I was there. It’s not funny and it’s not relevant unless we’re talking about HELPING PEOPLE.

I haven’t done that in a while. It’s time I did.

You know what it is? I forgot to pray and love.

Right now:

There is a Julia Roberts marathon on USA.

I’m reading the BlogHer ’10 tweets and wondering about these girls.

A pile of bank papers on my coffee table is staring at me.

My cat is desperately trying to meld her body with mine.

I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to write more than a list.

But I’m trying.

Last summer I wrote a post about Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, a book that has stuck with me ever since. The eating part I’ve got down pat; it’s the other stuff I – and undoubtedly every other woman who’s read that book – am working on. I forget though. Do you ever find yourself starting those good habits like exercising and eating right and calling your mother every Sunday and then find that two weeks have passed and you missed that one day and then that other day and then all good intentions are no more? You’re not alone. Or maybe I’m the only one. Who gives a shit, really…the important thing is that the praying and the loving are far more essential to getting down to the root of what ails me.

I am failing at my business. Oh, I have customers, and I have people who buy things from me and who plan to get gifts for birthdays and graduations and so forth. But in the grand scheme of things, like THE BUDGET, I’m failing. I am not a good record-keeper, I am a terrible mathematician and I have no head for business. I love the work itself, but I hate the business and the voices in my head were right: this probably wasn’t a good idea. There’s no one to rely on – or blame – but me, and it’s far easier to give up than try to fix a mess. It makes me feel awful though, and I fear that the awfulness will get the better of me.

Additionally, that gentle, relaxed feeling I had leftover from vacation is gone and the tension of real life has crept back into my shoulders like stubborn ivy, winding its way up my neck and down my spine and choking the life out of my head. There is intense fear and anxiety about the expectations I have for myself. I did not register for school. I am terrified to teach this semester. I am ashamed that I am not a better housekeeper or wife and that I have failed at my business venture.

I have educated myself enough about my anxiety to know that there are definable triggers and that there are steps I can take to head off the avalanche that comes so easily. I can meditate, I can reduce distractions, I can focus myself and my thoughts, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Just like the business, it’s easier to give up than to fix a mess. I take my medication, most of the time, but there is work I know I should do right along with that. Is it that I’m lazy? Is it too much to tackle at once? Do I forget? I don’t have the answers.

Praying and loving are these two huge words – these touchy feely warm fuzzy words that are repulsive and comforting at the same time. Praying for some people involves a church or mosque or synagogue; for other people, it’s just a quiet moment that is private and personal. I don’t know what it is for me. I forget how to do it, mostly because I think I’m doing it wrong or that God is sitting there (up there? out there?) shaking his head at me and adding my name to that list of people who got left in the oven too long. So I just skip right over it because really, what would I pray about anyway?

Loving, for me, comes back to that whole thing about being an asshole. I know that I shouldn’t be an asshole and that I should love other people, but I don’t know that I’m aware of how to do that. I could write a whole other list of shortcomings right here that would take up 14 hours of my time, and all of it involves being self-centered and too afraid to tell people I love them because they might not say it back. How do you know you love someone or something to begin with? I don’t mean romantic love – I have BB and I put a ring on his finger and so he’s contractually required to love me until I do something to piss him off. And vice versa. I’m talking about the other kind of love – the kind that (I think) is what you reserve for friends and ideas and yourself.

I really don’t know what I’m talking about here other than to say that life has confounded me in such a way that I feel as though I’m at a 4-way stop sign with no directions. It does that to everyone, I totally know that, but what happens to you isn’t nearly as important as what happens to me. See? I’m an asshole.

Finally, before Pretty Woman ends and I strangle the fur off my cat, I should say that two weeks ago I had a conversation with one of my best friends about traveling abroad for a period of time. Neither one of us knows how we will finance it or where exactly we’ll go, or what we’ll do when we get there, but we have good intentions. If it happens, it will be a lesson in selflessness and compassion, both of which I desperately need. If you’re the praying sort, send us your good wishes so that we might focus and develop this. If you’re the loving sort, send us your love because we probably need that too.