High Maintenance

I’m not sure that I’ve talked much about the fact that we own a 1997 Nissan Pathfinder, mainly because that is not at all an interesting fact about us. Sure, we’re wild and crazy, what with our kid-free household, two tame fat lazy good-for-nothing cats, and our risky graduate school pursuits, so I can see how you might overlook our old, gas-guzzling SUV as non-news. (And if you didn’t quite catch the sarcasm back there, then start over and read again. We are THE most boring people who ever lived.)

This car has been the bane of my existence since BB and I first started dating. Back in my somewhat-skinnier days, I had this great pair of white pants that I really loved and that magically didn’t make my ass look like Montana and Idaho put together. One day when Brian picked me up for a date, I got in the car, rode for a while, got out of the car at a party and had to cover up my ass the whole night because people kept telling me about this mysterious brown stain on the back of my pants. Nope, didn’t crap in the  car. Just sat in some unidentifiable substance that was now spread across my fabulous white pants. Mortifying. Horrifying. RIDICULOUS.

As the years went on, the passenger side started to attack me, first by catching the seatbelt so that every time I tried to move, it choked me. Then the door got in on it and quit unlocking automatically. Finally the window stopped rolling down unless Brian used his controls and by then, I spat on that car every time I saw it. The only redeeming qualities it has at this point in time are that a) it transports Christmas trees and dirty recyclables fairly well, and b) the seats fold down in the back for when we have to move furniture (another blog post, don’t ask).

Needless to say, when Brian called me from the car repair place last week to tell me that our Christmas LCD TV money had to go towards new front brakes and bearings instead, I was a little irate.

Me: So yeah, he called me from the place and was all, “It is way more important for me to drive safely in my car than for us to have a new TV.” Whatever.

Ruthie: But he needs to be safe, doesn’t he? I mean, they’re brakes.

Me: And?

Ruthie: . . .

This morning he takes our Christmas gift money from his mother, trots down to the ass raper car repair place, and calls me back.

Me: WHAT.

BB: Hey. Uh, there’s a problem with the muffler. It needs to be welded back on before the car can pass inspection in January.

Me: WHAT.

BB: I can’t help this, you know. It’s the car and it’s how I get back and forth to work and we can’t afford a new car payment right now . . .

Me: Click.

Back in its hey-day, this is what BB's piece of shit car WOULD have looked like. Now it's just dirty, broken and useless. To me, anyway.

Internet, I do not wish for my husband to be in danger. Ever. In a car or otherwise. But when I am chained to my den, night after night, month after month, with no outside, costs-money fun in sight, my TV environment needs to be optimal. In other words, I am SICK OF THE FUCKING TUBE TV WITH IT’S FUZZY PICTURE AND TINNY SOUND and I want that gift money to go towards what it was intended.

Is that too much to ask?

How I did with my 10 fall TV predictions

So remember a couple of months ago when I made some TV predictions for fall? Yeah. Here’s how I did:

1. I was wrong. The gay brothers came in second to Cute Cali Couple on The Amazing Race, and Flight Time and Big Easy (aka the Globetrotters) came in fourth. I was pretty right-on with the final, though I will admit that I discounted Miss America and her interracial marriage partner. She’s a tough cookie, and I didn’t give her credit.

2. Mr. Schue’s wife totally tried to steal Quinn’s baby, except that she SUCKS at hiding fake-pregnancy paraphernalia and so she got caught. Serves her right, stupid baby stealer. Can’t make predictions for the April return of Glee though, because I expended all my foresight powers on that September post. Sorry, dudes.

3. Cousin Courtney has not yet officially hooked up with the hot neighbor on Cougar Town, although it’s totally coming and anyone with ears knows that. I said that her son would get a cougar, and he kind of wanted one – the slutty friend – but instead he’s found a nice, sensible high-school age girlfriend. Boring, but true.

4. On Modern Family, I haven’t exactly been wrong yet, but then we have a while before the end of new episodes. My money is, of course, on me.

5. Grey’s Anatomy kind of bites the booty this year, I have to say. Instead of Izzie’s cancer disappearing, she disappeared, and no one is knocked up…yet. However, my sources tell me that Yang and Army dude are very much still together, which chokes out any hope of my predictions coming true.

6. Tom DeLay completely fucked up my predictions, with his stupid injury, while Kelly Osbourne surpassed expectations and made it to the finals. Good on her, I say. Plus she’s skinny now. Double good.

7. Rachel Zoe is very much alive and well and thriving with her Rachel Zoe newsletter thing. People love her on Twitter and now that she’s fired Goth-saddy Taylor, the sky is the limit for her and assistant-without-enough-clothes Brad. For now.

8. Don Draper did crack a smile, bitches! And he hugged his kids! And curled up on the couch and watched TV with them! I told you so, Mad Men disbelievers.

9. The Real Housewives of New Jersey aren’t back yet, but JERSEY SHORE IS, BABY! The friggin’ poofs, the Guido blow-outs, “the Situation,” the short-shorts and oh dear God the hair gel. Who needs Dina, Caroline, Jacqueline and Teresa when we have Pauly, Vinny, Sammi, Snooki, the Situation, Ronnie, and blah blah who cares what their names are because it’s THE JERSEY SHORE!

The Guidos and Guidettes from MTV's Jersey Shore (via NY Daily News)

10. I predicted a Scrubs reunion, and I got one. It’s back, minus some key players, and it’s based on new interns and a teaching hospital. Hilarity ensues.

If you didn’t catch these shows already this fall, I highly recommend that you start watching what is still on now. Don’t start now with Glee – the last episode until April airs this Wednesday. You can catch past eps on Fox.com though, and you should. Also, check out Modern Family, Jersey Shore, Scrubs, and yes, I’m going to do this – are you ready? brace yourselves – 90210. I’m sorry, but it’s excellent this year. As is Brothers & Sisters, but 90210 is much easier to figure out if you’ve missed some.

Now back to regularly scheduled programming, which I believe is Good Morning America. Tribute post to Diane Sawyer coming Friday.

For other Monday listers, visit Anna @ abdpbt.

Squee! It’s Glee!

The one where my head turns into a TV set – the old, console kind.

Have you seen that commercial for Bing, the new search engine? It’s the one where everyone is spouting out all this useless information that has nothing to do with anything, except someone asked them a question and they’re all Search Overload! Search Overload! Part of me thinks that commercial is funny, but the other parts of me want to rip my TV out of the wall when it comes on.

My brain feels kind of like that right now – kind of like Overloaded! Please press f6 to reboot and start over! – but I think it has less to do with the amount of Internet searching I do and more to do with the fact that I have been MIA for the last 5 days because SOMEONE GAVE ME THE FLU. I’m looking at you, BB.

Well, it might not be the flu flu. I mean, it technically could be the flu if you consider the chills and aching and head congestion and coughing and misery and insomnia and WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HAND ME A GUN ALREADY? But I haven’t had a fever (someone told me this was the good news) and I don’t so much think I’m going to die today as much as I thought I would on Saturday, so probably I’m in the clear.

But that’s not really my point. My point is: I have watched so much television in the last 5 days that I am pretty for sure that if you asked me a random reality TV question, I would not only ace it, I would also be able to give you background research and statistics and maybe some genealogy (re: the Kardashians, the Lamases – wait, how do you pluralize “Lamas” when it’s a last name attached to people who should not reproduce?). I can tell you about ALL the balloon boy interviews, the number of houses HGTV helped sell in the last month, how many people are left in the running for the next Iron Chef and that Shakira wore the same outfit to SNL that she had on for last week’s Dancing with the Stars performance. I can tell you that Dexter’s hair is longer this season than last. I can tell you that on October 28th “The Proposal” will be available OnDemand, and also that Nightline is rerunning its story about evangelist Benny Hinn again tonight.

My brain is tired.

I think normal sick people probably sleep, or read books or newspapers or something, but not me. No sir. I have had at least one cat attached to my thighs at all times, and my right hand has the remote. Left hand free for phone, Kleenex, juice, whatever. Right hand on the remote at all times. I woke up yesterday morning and the damn thing was still in my hand, right where I left it the night before. I think I need some help.

So, for those of you who called to make sure that I was alive – not because you were necessarily concerned that I might be dying of swine flu, but because I haven’t posted in days – settle down. It’s taken me 5 days to move myself to the computer and I can’t make any promises until my head has finished exploding from all the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader high kicks.

Spoiler Alert!

My Top 10 TV predictions for this year, or this fall, or however long it is before my favorite new shows get canceled:

1. The two Harlem Globetrotters will come in second to the gay brothers on The Amazing Race. Cute Blond Athletic Cali-Couple will fight for first, but the Globetrotters have longer legs and the gay bros will pull out the win. They’re pretty, they get along well, and they know when to flirt (at least, tonight they do.)

2. Mr. Schue’s wife will steal Quinn’s baby on Glee and pass it off as her own, until it grows up to be an asshole like the mohawk football dude. Also, the black girl and the kid with the wheelchair will make sweet music and beautiful babies together.

3. Cougar Town’s Cousin Courtney (Have I ever told that story? If not, I need to get on that.) will hook up with the judgy neighbor across the street, but not before her son gets a cougar of his own, which will leads to lots of hilarity and physical comedy for which Cousin Courtney is so famous. And by the way, I’m not sure how I feel about her name on the show (Jules). She is MONICA. ABC needs to recognize.

4. On Modern Family, Julie Bowen will slowly drive herself insane with trying to keep her promiscuous 15 year-old from hooking up with the broody senior, which will lead to lots of drinking. I predict glassfuls of Crystal Light lemonade spiked with gin. Also, that Colombian chick will get naked. At her son’s soccer game.

5. Meredith and Derek (Grey’s Anatomy) will get married for real, after they discover the need to file jointly to avoid high taxes in the State of Washington. Yang will choke Army dude in his sleep, Izzie’s cancer will mysteriously disappear and Little Grey will get knocked up by McSteamy. Or maybe Callie will get knocked up by Arizona. I can’t decide. Stranger things have happened.

6. Tom DeLay will make it ALL THE WAY on Dancing with the Stars, besting Kelly Osbourne, who will – six episodes in – lose her shit and require an ambulance ride.

7. Rachel Zoe dies. For real. She chokes on – are you ready? – BUH-nanas. (I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been waiting to use that for, like, months. Months where I totally died every time Rachel died. And then, when she lived after the stomach bug, I died all over again.)

8. Mad Men’s Don Draper cracks a smile and tells his children he loves them. Rachel Zoe dies again.

9. The Real Housewives of New Jersey come back, but all those babies that were born conveniently after they stopped taping are now magically – just like the soaps! – teenagers in the new season. Leads to lots of hilarity and comparisons to Victoria Gotti’s kids. Oh wait, does she still have kids? Or have they . . . “disappeared?” Either way, one of the Housewives moves into a bigger house because a) Danielle won’t stop stalking her, and b) her house was gross after she hosted a benefit and the public came over.

10. Zach Braff, Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison and John C. McGinley come together for a Scrubs reunion and it’s so good that ABC decides to bring it back as a mid-season replacement for Desperate Housewives.

Hey. A girl can dream.