How I spent one Saturday in October

So in all the hubbub of this past month and it’s, um, SHIT, I have not gotten around to telling you about what we did during October – and Internet, I hope you find this as hysterical as I did. First of all, BB was on vacation (thank you Pepsi for taking him back) for 10 days. On some of the days, if he hadn’t been around, well, I don’t want to know what life would’ve been like. Other days, I’m like DUDE. MOVE YOUR FACE.

Anyway, so one Saturday morning BB got up at the crack of dawn and wanted to ride a few hours towards the coast to his hometown. His father is buried there and his grandparents’ house is still there and his high school and the Peanut Festival and his aunt and uncle and WHAT? Did I say, PEANUT FESTIVAL?

Oh yes, Internet. Yes I did.

Today’s list will introduce to you to the 34th Annual Peanut Festival Parade (and surrounding attractions), featuring tractors, Mr. Peanut, high school bands, the Peanut Queen, some horses and more people crowding the streets of Small Town USA than we thought actually lived there.

1.  Some old tractors. Seriously, the first part of the Peanut Festival Parade was just a line of old tractors, driven by mostly teenagers – I use the term loosely because they were maybe 13 – and some old men.

2. I’m not sure if this chick is Miss Chowan County, or Miss Edenton, or Miss Peanut Festival, but she was in the parade and was mighty proud of it.

3. The rest of the parade was super boring – a couple of high school bands, some old cars, a few horses. Then we get to the good part – the county, which is (out there) pronounced “cown-y” with some really round o’s. And in the county, guess what you can see?

Cotton!

4. And . . .

More cotton!

5. And . . . wait for it . . . the whole reason for the Festivus . . .

Peanuts!

Seriously y’all, those are peanuts tangled up in all those weeds. Whole clusters of them. And that dust in the background is from the peanut picking machine (I’m sure it has an official name but I haven’t bothered to learn it) that turns over the peanut plants to expose the nuts.

6. Then we went out to the river, where BB did some thinking:

7. And I played around with the camera:

Check out those mad skillz.

8. Then we caught a glimpse of the Chowan County Fair (not to be confused with the Peanut Festival, occurring simultaneously) from the car:

And then we came home, because that was a little too much fun for one day.

 

Renaming New Year’s Eve

Conversation between Kathy and me this week:

Me: Dude, this year has sucked some major balls.

Kathy: Um, yes.

Me: I mean, really. Think about all the shitty stuff that’s happened. I am SO over 2009. I should make a list.

Kathy: I don’t think we need a list to remember all the bad stuff.

Me: Maybe not. But that’s not the point. The point is, 2009 needs to be done.

Kathy: Yeah, I am with you on telling 2009 to peace the fuck out already.

And so this, Internet, is my new mission. Get through the end of the year, get through the messy holidays, the impending bad stuff, the doctor’s appointments, the final exams, the WHATEVER, and get to New Year’s Eve. This year, New Year’s Eve will be known as “Peace the fuck out already, 2009″ Night.

You think if I sent out invitations to a party celebrating “Peace the fuck out already, 2009″ people would come?

Say hello to my little friend

UPDATE: These apparently are “writing spiders” and I should not destroy them or fuck with their webs because they aren’t poisonous and it’s not nice to fuck with things that aren’t poisonous. Apparently.

So I was walking out to the car this morning to come to work and I passed this giant motherfucking spider. I killed one already on Monday morning – his web had caught a moth and I felt bad for the moth so I interfered with nature (I KNOW!) and tore it down and saved the moth who will now probably eat my sweaters in appreciation – but I had seen this one yesterday for the first time. He was gone when I got home of course, but this morning he was back. He’d rebuilt yesterday’s lost web and I decided to snap a picture.

From the picture it kind of looks like he’s hanging on to the patio umbrella, but actually he’s perched on his web and the umbrella is about three feet behind his web. Once I got close enough to really see this thing, I couldn’t stop taking pictures. I mean, I was late for work, y’all. BECAUSE OF A SPIDER.

So now I’m intrigued. What IS this thing? Is it male, female? Is it fat because it’s about to lay eggs? Is it one of those deadly things that will come eat me in the middle of the night JUST BECAUSE IT CAN? Am I freaking out about a spider? Apparently so.

Look at those markings. It just looks dangerous. Like a serial killer. With a sticky web ready to trap unsuspecting normal women on their way to work at their normal jobs where they do not post scary spider pictures on their blogs.

My selfish list of 32 things you probably didn’t care to know about me

1. I am a girl, not yet a woman.

2. I think that my birthday’s tomorrow.

3. I have some missing diamonds in my wedding rings.

4. I wish my friends’ parents will not only survive, but will thrive.

5. I hate pickles, olives and other things that go on antipasto platters.

6. I miss my Nana, who would’ve been 87 on September 11th.

7. I fear everything, but mostly that I will be robbed. Again.

8. I hear the voices in your head. I mean, my head. I mean, I totally do NOT hear any voices at all.

9. I smell air conditioning.

10. I crave bacon.

11. I search for the perfect makeup, mascara and eyeliner. If you find it, please let me know.

12. I wonder how Wonder bread got its name.

13. I regret my wedding dress. It really was not pretty. I blame hormones.

14. I love my street.

15. I ache from cramps. But you didn’t need to know that. I ache for…bacon.

16. I am not good at math. Or numbers. Or foreign languages, except French, but that’s only when I’m drunk. My accents (I can do lots) are exceptionally good, however.

17. I believe in Santa Claus.

18. I dance in the car.

19. I sing along to everything. It’s either my best or worst quality, depending on what you think of my voice.

20. I cry when my dad has a birthday every year.

21. I fight sometimes for the hell of it. Life can be boring, you know.

22. I win EVERYTHING.

23. I lose NOTHING.

24. I never did it on a tractor. LIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.

25. I always make lists.

26. I confuse most people when I tell a story. Probably it’s because I talk too fast.

27. I listen not very well.

28. I can usually be found sitting.

29. I am scared of my shadow, the dark, suspicious-looking people, death, and my Xanax prescription running out.

30. I need approval and praise. And lots of it, please.

31. I am happy about the prospect of birthday presents.

32. I imagine that one day I will have adequate closet space.

For other Monday listers, visit Anna @ abdpbt.

Update

Turns out there were 4 snakes sighted, but only 2 killed. They were black rat snakes, which are supposedly good because they eat rodents and insects. Whatev. Also, they are “juvenile” snakes. As opposed to really mature ones.

Also, please welcome Rockette to the blog. She is the pet rock that came to live with me on Wednesday. And before you ask, she DOES have her high kicks down pat, and she is not shy about showing off her dancing legs.