How I spent one Saturday in October

So in all the hubbub of this past month and it’s, um, SHIT, I have not gotten around to telling you about what we did during October – and Internet, I hope you find this as hysterical as I did. First of all, BB was on vacation (thank you Pepsi for taking him back) for 10 days. On some of the days, if he hadn’t been around, well, I don’t want to know what life would’ve been like. Other days, I’m like DUDE. MOVE YOUR FACE.

Anyway, so one Saturday morning BB got up at the crack of dawn and wanted to ride a few hours towards the coast to his hometown. His father is buried there and his grandparents’ house is still there and his high school and the Peanut Festival and his aunt and uncle and WHAT? Did I say, PEANUT FESTIVAL?

Oh yes, Internet. Yes I did.

Today’s list will introduce to you to the 34th Annual Peanut Festival Parade (and surrounding attractions), featuring tractors, Mr. Peanut, high school bands, the Peanut Queen, some horses and more people crowding the streets of Small Town USA than we thought actually lived there.

1.  Some old tractors. Seriously, the first part of the Peanut Festival Parade was just a line of old tractors, driven by mostly teenagers – I use the term loosely because they were maybe 13 – and some old men.

2. I’m not sure if this chick is Miss Chowan County, or Miss Edenton, or Miss Peanut Festival, but she was in the parade and was mighty proud of it.

3. The rest of the parade was super boring – a couple of high school bands, some old cars, a few horses. Then we get to the good part – the county, which is (out there) pronounced “cown-y” with some really round o’s. And in the county, guess what you can see?

Cotton!

4. And . . .

More cotton!

5. And . . . wait for it . . . the whole reason for the Festivus . . .

Peanuts!

Seriously y’all, those are peanuts tangled up in all those weeds. Whole clusters of them. And that dust in the background is from the peanut picking machine (I’m sure it has an official name but I haven’t bothered to learn it) that turns over the peanut plants to expose the nuts.

6. Then we went out to the river, where BB did some thinking:

7. And I played around with the camera:

Check out those mad skillz.

8. Then we caught a glimpse of the Chowan County Fair (not to be confused with the Peanut Festival, occurring simultaneously) from the car:

And then we came home, because that was a little too much fun for one day.

 

Right now

Right now…

…there is a box of tampons laying next to my laptop.

…there is a pile of laundry so high the cats are afraid to climb it.

…there are three bath towels shoved onto one towel bar.

…there is one husband very proud of himself for cooking dinner the past two nights.

…there are two wilting mums on my front porch, overshadowed by the weeds underneath.

…there is a waiting email in my inbox, to which I don’t have the courage to respond.

…I owe at least four people phone calls or emails, but don’t have the energy to do it.

…I can see past the very large speed bumps but can’t seem to get over them.

…I feel that my place online is out of place and that I don’t fit in.

…I feel familiar, because I never fit in.

…I still need to buy my mother a birthday present, before tomorrow.

…tomorrow isn’t far away.

…I hear dogs barking and neighbors talking.

…I think my house is too close to the neighbors.

…my child is crying.

…my child is actually meowing.

…I worry about addiction.

…I worry about you.

…I think that I am not enough.

…I think that I am too much.

…my body and my mind do not move in sync.

…there are sheets to put on the bed.

…someone is writing a better blog post.

…someone is rolling their eyes at mine.

…I wish you could be my new friend.

…I know that you will not be.

…I feel guilty for lying.

…I don’t feel guilty enough to tell the truth.

…I owe money.

…I am afraid.

…I need to be doing something else.

Spoiler Alert!

My Top 10 TV predictions for this year, or this fall, or however long it is before my favorite new shows get canceled:

1. The two Harlem Globetrotters will come in second to the gay brothers on The Amazing Race. Cute Blond Athletic Cali-Couple will fight for first, but the Globetrotters have longer legs and the gay bros will pull out the win. They’re pretty, they get along well, and they know when to flirt (at least, tonight they do.)

2. Mr. Schue’s wife will steal Quinn’s baby on Glee and pass it off as her own, until it grows up to be an asshole like the mohawk football dude. Also, the black girl and the kid with the wheelchair will make sweet music and beautiful babies together.

3. Cougar Town’s Cousin Courtney (Have I ever told that story? If not, I need to get on that.) will hook up with the judgy neighbor across the street, but not before her son gets a cougar of his own, which will leads to lots of hilarity and physical comedy for which Cousin Courtney is so famous. And by the way, I’m not sure how I feel about her name on the show (Jules). She is MONICA. ABC needs to recognize.

4. On Modern Family, Julie Bowen will slowly drive herself insane with trying to keep her promiscuous 15 year-old from hooking up with the broody senior, which will lead to lots of drinking. I predict glassfuls of Crystal Light lemonade spiked with gin. Also, that Colombian chick will get naked. At her son’s soccer game.

5. Meredith and Derek (Grey’s Anatomy) will get married for real, after they discover the need to file jointly to avoid high taxes in the State of Washington. Yang will choke Army dude in his sleep, Izzie’s cancer will mysteriously disappear and Little Grey will get knocked up by McSteamy. Or maybe Callie will get knocked up by Arizona. I can’t decide. Stranger things have happened.

6. Tom DeLay will make it ALL THE WAY on Dancing with the Stars, besting Kelly Osbourne, who will – six episodes in – lose her shit and require an ambulance ride.

7. Rachel Zoe dies. For real. She chokes on – are you ready? – BUH-nanas. (I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been waiting to use that for, like, months. Months where I totally died every time Rachel died. And then, when she lived after the stomach bug, I died all over again.)

8. Mad Men’s Don Draper cracks a smile and tells his children he loves them. Rachel Zoe dies again.

9. The Real Housewives of New Jersey come back, but all those babies that were born conveniently after they stopped taping are now magically – just like the soaps! – teenagers in the new season. Leads to lots of hilarity and comparisons to Victoria Gotti’s kids. Oh wait, does she still have kids? Or have they . . . “disappeared?” Either way, one of the Housewives moves into a bigger house because a) Danielle won’t stop stalking her, and b) her house was gross after she hosted a benefit and the public came over.

10. Zach Braff, Sarah Chalke, Donald Faison and John C. McGinley come together for a Scrubs reunion and it’s so good that ABC decides to bring it back as a mid-season replacement for Desperate Housewives.

Hey. A girl can dream.

My selfish list of 32 things you probably didn’t care to know about me

1. I am a girl, not yet a woman.

2. I think that my birthday’s tomorrow.

3. I have some missing diamonds in my wedding rings.

4. I wish my friends’ parents will not only survive, but will thrive.

5. I hate pickles, olives and other things that go on antipasto platters.

6. I miss my Nana, who would’ve been 87 on September 11th.

7. I fear everything, but mostly that I will be robbed. Again.

8. I hear the voices in your head. I mean, my head. I mean, I totally do NOT hear any voices at all.

9. I smell air conditioning.

10. I crave bacon.

11. I search for the perfect makeup, mascara and eyeliner. If you find it, please let me know.

12. I wonder how Wonder bread got its name.

13. I regret my wedding dress. It really was not pretty. I blame hormones.

14. I love my street.

15. I ache from cramps. But you didn’t need to know that. I ache for…bacon.

16. I am not good at math. Or numbers. Or foreign languages, except French, but that’s only when I’m drunk. My accents (I can do lots) are exceptionally good, however.

17. I believe in Santa Claus.

18. I dance in the car.

19. I sing along to everything. It’s either my best or worst quality, depending on what you think of my voice.

20. I cry when my dad has a birthday every year.

21. I fight sometimes for the hell of it. Life can be boring, you know.

22. I win EVERYTHING.

23. I lose NOTHING.

24. I never did it on a tractor. LIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.

25. I always make lists.

26. I confuse most people when I tell a story. Probably it’s because I talk too fast.

27. I listen not very well.

28. I can usually be found sitting.

29. I am scared of my shadow, the dark, suspicious-looking people, death, and my Xanax prescription running out.

30. I need approval and praise. And lots of it, please.

31. I am happy about the prospect of birthday presents.

32. I imagine that one day I will have adequate closet space.

For other Monday listers, visit Anna @ abdpbt.

All the reasons why summer should have been over, like, two months ago

Anyone who knows me knows that I can’t stand to be hot. I hate humidity, I hate heat, I hate sweating. At my hot-as-hell May wedding, two of my bridesmaids were on climate control – NO LIE. Their duties prior to the ceremony were to recon and overtake the church thermostat. This is honestly how much I hate to be hot. Therefore, it stands to reason that I also hate summer. (Actually, I would say that “hate” is a strong word here; after all, you can’t have summer without the beach really, and I do love the beach.)

1. Because it’s hot.

2. Because it’s humid.

3. Because it’s hot AND humid.

4. Because mosquitoes don’t listen when you tell them to FUCK OFF ALREADY.

5. Ditto for all the other disgusting bugs, insects and reptiles out there.

6. Ditto for the parasites that try to live on my cats until I annihilate their asses.

7. Because it shouldn’t be 80 degrees at 6:30 in the morning.

8. Because I’ve already spent too much on anti-frizz, hair-straightening products.

9. That reminds me, have I told you about the new Remington Wet2Straight?

10. I think the propane in our tank for our gas longs either evaporates or goes bad in this kind of weather.

11. My herbs are distressed.

12. I’ve worn all of my summer clothes so many times that even my husband has them memorized.

13. Because I heard that a 97-lb. Eastern diamondback rattlesnake that was 9 ft. long was caught and shot near a turkey house about an hour from here. That shit does NOT HAPPEN in winter.

14. Because no one can enjoy going to a football game when the bleachers are so hot you need an ice pack to sit down.

15. Because basketball season can’t come until football season is over.

16. Because mums will fry on my front porch in this weather.

17. Because I can’t touch the steering wheel on most days, unless I’ve been in a parking garage.

18. Because how many times can you fix chicken on the grill?

19. It’s too hot for the crock pot. I love the crock pot.

20. Because I’m too tired for self-pedicures and I’m too cheap to go buy one.

21. Because even though it rains, we’re still in a drought.

22. Because after 10 minutes outside (unless you’re some freak of nature), we all stink and we’re all eaten up by mosquitoes.

23. Did I mention it’s hot?