Are You F’ing KIDDING ME?

I think that now I truly am ashamed of my fellow man.

Jesse Jackson Urges Suicidal Michael Jackson Fans to Live

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Finding my quiet mind

I haven’t posted in a few days, mostly on purpose. I’ve been reading Eat Pray Love which I mentioned last week, and when I made that list last week of all the stuff I was going to post about this week, it just made me tired. And then I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book and she discusses so many different things, but mostly she talks about trying to find balance and peace in her world. I don’t have that right now. I don’t know how to achieve that – at all. But I want to try.

This weekend I am off for four straight days and I have three goals:

1. To begin to meditate

Call me crazy, nuts, wacko, weird, whatever, but I can’t find quiet time within myself EVER, and I think it’s worth a try to see how this works. Every night when I lay down to sleep, my mind races and when I try to calm it, I can’t stop thinking of things that worry me or stress me. It’s like I have a handbrake on my brain train, but no matter how hard I try to stop, the train keeps going, careening down some tracks and probably headed off a cliff somewhere and I have no control over it.

2. To find a yoga class

The problem with living where I live is that I don’t have access to things that are available to people who live in normal-sized cities. The yoga classes at our health club are the generic ones that are taught by whatever teenaged aerobics instructor happens to be around. I want a real class.

3. To organize

I don’t just mean my house, although it’s a disaster and needs some serious help. I also want to organize my mind. I want to de-clutter, re-organize and either find compartments for all my crap or toss it out and forget about it.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing any of this stuff. I think that probably I’ll just do some web surfing and hunt and peck for what to do. I’m open to suggestions. I’m just starting to feel like my mind is running on an empty stomach, on no sleep and without a bottle of water or rest stop in sight. It’s not a good feeling.

“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what holds you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.” – Buddha

Oh, and am I crazy or did I just read on Elizabeth Gilbert’s website that she wrote the story that inspired the movie “Coyote Ugly?” For reals?

Of Angels and Kings

So this week has been a little off the crazy chart (but crazy in my world doesn’t equate crazy in others, as evidenced by Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, but I digress). I need to say two things before I say some other things: 1) I am sorry that Michael Jackson is dead. I have conflicting feelings about him (was he or was he not a child molester? did he really “own” his King of Pop title?) but one real clear memory. When I was in about 4th or 5th grade, I used to spend the night with my friend Amy, whose love for Michael Jackson was greater than my own. We had record players back then (we had tape players too, but they weren’t as fun to use…yet) and Amy owned Thriller which she liked to listen to at night. In the dark. As we were trying to go to sleep. So even now that I’m 30 years old, Thriller still creeps me out, and it’s not really the zombies so much as it’s the idea of Michael Jackson singing me to sleep. If that doesn’t fucking creep you out, I don’t know what will.

The second thing I want to say before I say the other things is that I’m really sorry that Farrah Fawcett is dead. On the one hand. On the other hand, BB and I watched “Farrah’s Story” when it first came out last month or whenever, and we cried like we knew her. So actually, if she’s not suffering anymore and she’s at rest and in peace, then actually I might be a little glad that she died. I’m anxious to see what happens to Ryan O’Neal though, because it looks to me like there’s some serious co-dependence going on there.

The other things I want to say will take a little time, which I don’t have right now, but here’s a small list of what’s to come:

1. Ayman and Mostafa leave for Egypt today. I’m going over there to say goodbye in an hour or so, and I need to compose myself because I’m already crying thinking about it. I’m sure this has everything to do with my love for them and absolutely nothing to do with The Period Hormones that are currently wracking my soul.

2. We took The Students to Asheville yesterday to see the Biltmore House. In and of itself, this will make a lovely – if a little bit psycho – post.

3.  I’m reading Eat Pray Love right now, far behind the cosmopolitan crowd, but right on time with Kristen, whose birthday is Sunday so YAY! Shout out to KBosco on her bday! Woo hoo! Yeah, and Eat Pray Love rocks so hard. Haters need to recognize.

4. I have slept, on average, about 10-12 hours this entire week. And I don’t even have a baby or a project or – I don’t know, what makes you not sleep? – to show for it. All I have is raccoon eyes and bad hair.

5. All the other shit going on lately. Probably not of interest to anyone but me; nevertheless you’re gonna hear about it soon. Like it or not.

Have a great weekend, Internet. We’ll be broadcasting from a new spot shortly, though you might not notice at first. Keep your chin up, your head down, your eyes on the road and your ears on MTV’s Michael Jackson Tribute – it’s the one and only time you’ll get music videos on Music Television for the next 50 years.

Why I Should Be the Next Food Network Star

1. My culinary point of view is very clear: get it cheap, make it fast, make it good.

2. Because I am the “Home Cook.”

3. I can be a team player, except when you make something gross, in which case I had absolutely nothing to do with it. You can sink your own ship.

4. I am from the South. We are, by birth right, good cooks. Exhibits A, B & C: Paula Deen, Tyler Florence, The Neelys.

5. I can say “faaaabulous” just like Ina Garten. Also, I can chop herbs just like she does, too.

6. Say it with me: roasted is better than poached, roasted is better than poached.

7. Recipes are, to me, merely guidelines. And when have I ever really stayed within the lines? The Food Network needs someone who takes culinary risks, right Bobby Flay?

8. I can say Masaharu Morimoto three times fast.

9. I’ve already come up with my favorite things for “The Best Thing I Ever Ate.”

10. Yesterday, my dad declared the lunch I made for him for Father’s Day, “Perfect, Lizzie. It was absolutely perfect.” These words are from the man that flips his children the bird on occasion.

Resumé complete.

You make me crazy when…

You make me feel stupid when I mention something that I thought was common knowledge, and you act as though a) you didn’t know it and b) it’s wrong information. You were there, I’M NOT CRAZY.