Huff ‘n’ Stuff

Dude. Last night Brian and I watched this week’s episode of Intervention, which we had DVR’d because The Closer was on Monday night. Anyway. Intervention is A&E’s reality show about an addict whose family/friends want them to go into a rehab. Cameras follow the addict around, allowing us a view of whatever needles they stick in their arms, or crack pipes they smoke, or whatever, and then an “interventionist” arranges this big meeting where the family announces that they will no longer support the addict in his or her quest to, you know, DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH.

So this week’s episode was about this girl named Allison, who was addicted to inhalants. She literally would inhale the contents of an aerosol can of COMPUTER DUSTER and it would make her crazy high. Ew! Computer duster! I still can’t get over that, but I digress. So this chick is constantly inhaling, or “huffing” this can and her eyes are all rolling back in her head and she’s all wigging out anytime someone mentions “rehab” or getting a life, already.

Finally her family realizes that the only way they can convince her to go to rehab is if they tell her that the Humane Society is coming to take away her cats. She’s got two gorgeous tuxedo cats, and apparently when she has to choose between buying cat food and duster, she chooses the duster, so probably the cats are hungry. So the sister calls the Humane Society and they come to Allison’s apartment with the cops and she’s HUFFING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM! She’s sucking on a nasty aerosol can as hard as she can go, and she’s telling the cops, “Yeah, I’m not really in the mood to talk right now. So you can head on out and leave me alone now.” Well then, and this is TOTALLY the best part, the cops have to wrestle her to the ground and she goes nuts! Arms and legs are all flailing this way and that, and it’s incredibly hard to tear your eyes away from a spectacle such as this!

Eventually she goes to rehab, and while she’s there, she dyes her hair a horrid shade of urine-y blonde, and finally talks about being molested as a child and how much pain she has. When she was high, her hair was its natural brown, which made her look like Anne Hathaway, circa Princess Diaries and the first hour of The Devil Wears Prada. And when her eyes would roll back in her head, and she’d get all weird and loopy and bizarre, I was like, “B, check that out. It’s like Anne Hathaway, on computer duster.” And he didn’t so much agree with me, but I was right.

Probably this isn’t the best time to mention the fact that there’s a certain employee of a certain institution with which I am possibly affiliated who has been arrested for driving after some alleged huffing, which caused a car accident involving some bushes and a parked car in the Lowe’s Home Improvement parking lot.