Violated

Dear Wallet-Stealing Asshole,

Yesterday around noon, while I was eating lunch with my friends and generally minding my own business, you were gracious enough to invade my personal space and relieve me of my cash, credit cards, driver’s license, checks, insurance cards and EVEN MY LIBRARY CARD so that I won’t have the burden of carrying that crap around anymore.

You are so thoughtful.

You were even nice enough to take away my medicine that I need daily, so that now I can visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacy, where my insurance won’t pay for a new month’s supply. In the darkest of times, you really come through for me, and that is true friendship. I can only hope that the acid reflux medicine you probably sold on the street will help your crackhead pal as much as it helped me.

In addition, I appreciate the time you took to buy lunch at McDonald’s – not once, but twice. The gas you bought for yourself and another person was cheaper than where I buy mine, so kudos to you for being thrifty! I’m only sorry that the $310 you tried to charge on Brian’s credit card didn’t go through. Maybe next time.

Finally, I can’t wait until we meet again. When the surveillance tape that caught you in Selma yesterday finds its way to the police department, I’ll be there waiting. And then, when we finally meet and discuss our close close friendship, I can finally tell you all the things I want to say to your face.

Love always,

Elizabeth