You make me crazy when…

You give me that dopey sympathetic look that says, “Oh, I wish you were me, TOO! You poor wittle thing.”

I know it seems like common sense

I was on the phone last night when the door opened. In walks Brian, fresh from a long day’s work, with a giggle that he just can’t contain. Nevermind that I’m talking to someone else. Nevermind that he’s been in Wal-Mart all day with screaming Hispanic children and old people that ride around on their scooters. He just can’t stop laughing and finally, when I’m off the phone, I’m all, Dude…spill it. Now.

And he tells me this story that I just have a hard time believing. A tranny? In the women’s bathroom? At Wal-Mart in Goldsboro? NO WAY. But it’s true. Apparently this woman-in-transition-to-man is using the women’s bathroom when she’s mistaken for a man (not surprising what with her full beard and all). There’s suddenly all this commotion about “a man! in the women’s bathroom! get him out! NOW!” So Brian runs over to see what’s going on and he runs into Miss Bessie, a big older black lady that works part-time as a cashier. And she’s all “Oh Lawd, Lawd, I nevah!” So Brian asks Bessie what she saw in the bathroom and she says, “Nothin’! I was too scared to look!” 

So after 45 minutes of people screaming and hollering about this poor transgender person trapped in the bathroom by embarrassment and Wal-Mart employees, the commotion ends with the he/she’s promise to be evaluated by a mental health facility within 24 hours or be charged with indecent exposure. Are you kidding me?

Moral of the story: if you look like a man, probably you should pee in the men’s bathroom. Or better yet, hold it in until you get to the Subway three doors down and use theirs instead, because probably it’s a onesie.